Husband, talk to your wife. Wife, sleep with your husband

Over several decades of providing pastoral counseling for married couples, I’ve heard some stuff that when you hear it, you have to concentrate really hard not to make one of “those” faces and inadvertently make everybody feel even more awkward. What’s remarkable about turbulent marriages is that inevitably, the problem that finally led them to get help is rarely the real stuff they need to work on. The flying pots and pans, the disintegrating budget, and the intractable arguments all have a relatively simple set of remedies, given enough time and patience.

Often it’s as simple as turning together to 1 Corinthians 13 and asking both to consider how they are doing at simply behaving as Christians towards one another. But I’ve seen enough husbands and wives who fall into the same pattern of failure in distinctly masculine and feminine ways that I think we’d all be helped to hear the following. I’d like to ask that we all agree not to elbow each other to ensure they got the point. Consider yourself for a moment, and then we can have a robust discussion later. Also, consider that there aren’t any magic bullets in marriage, and while these certainly aren’t one of those, they do, given enough time, tend to break up the hard crust of marital issues and get back to rich, good soil where good things grow.

Here’s the advice:

Husband, talk to your wife.

Wife, sleep with your husband.

Every year, Trinity hosts a date night at a local park. We provide some alcohol, questions, and ground rules for communication. At a fundamental level we’re simply trying to help facilitate the two points above. We’re explicit about the first, and the hope is that if it goes well enough, it will lead to the second (I mean, we’re not *that* kind of church). These two things might seem excessively simple, and if you’ve only been married half a minute, they may seem like no challenge. But it is notable how many husbands don’t know how to talk with their wives. They know how to speak at them. They inform. They direct. But they don’t have the foggiest idea how to have a fruitful and edifying exchange of words. It is also notable how many wives withhold sex from their husbands. They tend to think of sex as a kind of reward for getting to another birthday, or merely the culmination of a husband dutifully taking the trash out on time every week in a month.

When Paul instructs husbands to deal with their wives in an understanding way, men can tend to assume that the critical word in the sentence is “deal” or that the only referent to “understanding” is when Paul mentions that their wives are of the “weaker sex.” But I humbly propose that the most important term is “understanding.” Yes, given where Paul goes next, a husband should understand that he should go ahead and carry the heavy box on moving day. But there is far more to it than simply shoulder strength. To perform the adverbial phrase here, “in an understanding way”, a husband must understand his wife. He needs to know what sorts of things she’s good at and what she isn’t so good at. He needs to understand what types of things can lead her to be anxious and what kinds of things delight her. He needs to know these things, not about women in general, but about the actual wife God has given him. It requires paying attention to things men aren’t always predisposed to pay attention to. It requires asking questions, listening to the answers, and then asking follow-up questions. Your job is not to make sure your wife can avoid all difficult decisions or never gets upset by a decision you make or an observation you have, but as much as possible, you shouldn’t be surprised when those moments come. By all means, lead - but make sure you know and understand the person you’ve been called to lead.

This will require some planning - these conversations of discovery. Several years into marriage, I realized I was deficient in this conversational skill, and so I started planning. The afternoon before a date, I began sitting down and filling a note card with all the questions I wanted to ask my wife. Things like, “What’s your biggest concern with the kids right now?”, “If you could change anything about our house or yard, what would it be and why?”, or “What is the best thing about our marriage right now, and what needs more work?” We’d arrive at dinner for our date, and I would pull out my card and ask questions. Jen thought it was cute. I’d ask the questions and then listen, not trying to defensively give a reason why such and such wasn’t as good as it could be, but listen. I’d listen to the problems and the delights - not simply to solve the issues, but to learn more about this woman God had given me. Husband, talk with your wife.

When Paul instructs married couples not to withhold their bodies from one another, he didn’t add many qualifiers. And while I’ve met with couples where the husband seems disinterested in sex with his wife, lots of wives tend to view sex either as an inconvenience or use it as an odd sort of reward system. But sexual intimacy is designed by God to cultivate health in all kinds of ways throughout the home. It isn’t the end or goal, but often one of the key means by which a husband and wife grow in love for one another. If the goal is a happy, fruitful, and loving home, sex is one of the key tools in the toolbox of a godly marriage, and it is something that should be used often. Sexual intimacy should not be used to manipulate, and it should not be used sparingly. Instead, it is a marvelous gift to be shared generously. Wives should take Paul’s admonition to heart - your body is not your own, your generosity as a lover is not your own to be doled out to your husband in a miserly fashion. Give and receive this love generously and regularly.

Once again, this will require some planning. The pace of a productive household can and should leave everyone tired when it comes to bedtime. I’ve seen couples set a weekly schedule for sex. That may seem about as sexy as setting the timer for the sprinklers, but a truism about the world is that delight grows best in the garden of discipline. Just because you set a time for everyone to eat dinner doesn’t mean the dinner can’t be fabulous. Wives, learn to delight in the giving and receiving of love with generosity and intentionality. Wife, sleep with your husband.

One final observation is that both of these things tend to cultivate the other. A husband growing in understanding of his wife will often find their sex life growing increasingly enjoyable. Wives who begin giving themselves to their husbands more frequently will find that conversational value increases. They aren’t exactly parallel sliders on a panel, but as both understanding and sex are indicators of marital health as well as means to pursue marital health, they necessarily impact the other.

So, couples, get out there and talk about good things, laugh together again, and have great married sex.